Managing the transition between homes in shared custody

The court always favors custody decisions that are in the "best interests of the child" and as such can specify the rights and duties of parents where shared custody (technically referred to as 'joint conservatorship') has been granted.

Shared Custody is a risky balance to get right, but if you want to avoid involvement from the courts and make your custody arrangement work for the best interests of your little ones, plenty of planning will be necessary to determine how to make the switch between the two homes as smooth as is workable.

An example of a good procedure in a joint conservatorship is to set up a jointly agreed upon system of house rules in both family homes. Often parents are tempted to instantly change rules that were a source of weariness during the marriage or that remind them of their former spouse. Such variations though can be unsettling for the child, and even push them to change their behaviour between homes.

As a result, children can become very good at pleasing or even manipulating states of affairs between the homes for their own profit in situations where parents are still emotionally vulnerable. This is not because children are basically wicked but is simply a survival strategy. A child needs consistency of rules and schedules between homes, for both personal peace and for their healthy emotional and physical development.

Creating this consistency may require routine phone calls and meetings between parents to agree on the needs of the child and the working out of a calendar together, so that there are clear expectations and little room for emotional manipulation. Ensure, as far as is possible, that both homes are in agreement on rules regarding bedtimes, tv viewing, internet use and going out with friends.

As your child grows, these rules will, of course, need to be reassessed together and alterations implemented co-operatively.
In truth, parents who enlist a joint custody arrangement because they are truly looking to the best interests of the child need to put in the stage in your life that you spent necessary to make it work. They also need to be willing to change the agreement should the needs of the child change.

When a child decides that he or she would now like to spend added time in the home of one particular parent, there is often an impossible guilt that they feel over choosing one parent above the other. Parents need to be proactive in freeing their children from this guilt by making it explicit that the arrangements have been set up to serve their best interests and not the needs of the parents, and that you are therefore always open to alter them.

Study in this area still suggests that most children are more settled in one permanent residence. Parents often see joint custody as an arrangement that satisfies their 'rights', but the danger is that the child's needs will be forgotten in the process. Shared Custody can work, and it can work splendidly, but, as in any custody agreement, a willingness to be amenable and to put the child first are the fundamental keys to success.

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